


Hands up... please?

by starkind



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman - All Media Types, DC Cinematic Universe, Iron Man (Movies), Iron Man - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Attempt at Humor, Attempted Kidnapping, Crossover Pairings, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, IronBat - Freeform, Kidnapped Tony Stark, M/M, One Shot, POV First Person, Silly, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-21 22:20:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6060154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkind/pseuds/starkind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You just don't simply go and kidnap Tony Stark. Nope. You don't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hands up... please?

It was about the dumbest things to do, in the history of dumb things we had done over the years. Which says a lot. Or not.  
  
The things you do for money and such.  
  
Ah well. At least I live to tell the tale. The tale of how three of us schemed up a plan to kidnap the wealthiest guy on the west coast. This was the plan: Get Stark when he is out and about, and without the strange metal suit he carried with him everywhere these days. Get Stark and take him hostage, then go and get a nice, fat ransom demand out in the open. People from his company would pay pretty much anything to get him back.

But first things first.

Getting Stark was not much of a problem actually, much to everyone's surprise. The guy (he really was shorter than we assumed, for starters) was kind of an easy catch to begin with, one night on the town. He was talking on the phone as he stepped out of a club, leading a rather heated argument that had him gesturing along vividly with his free hand.

“No, you're gonna apologize to me for... oh, yeah you did! No! Did NOT! Ohhh puhlease, like I remember. That's not fair, because – hey, hey, hey, wait up here: Have you apologized yet?? I'm at a point in my life where... no, not _that!_ Where _you're_ supposed to have my back, but you don't know what that means, and... WHOA! Dude! That was really, really super toxic what you just... I can't believe this!”

Needless to say, he was so sidetracked, we did not even have to apply physical harm on his part, except for blindfolding and gagging him. All victorious, we fled the scene, our prized trophy in the back of the van, grinning at each other. His not-present bodyguard would be pissed beyond belief. Turned out that was the first mistake we made.  
  
It was not his bodyguard who gave us hell; even worse. It was a freak in a bat costume. Up to this day, I had thought that creature was a myth. How on earth were we supposed to know Stark was friends with the masked vigilante from Gotham City? No, not friends. Let me rephrase that. _Friends_ did not _bicker_ like these two...

The first thing I hear when I regain consciousness is an argument. Me and my aching bones find themselves bound and tied up against the cold and hard radiator in the corner, together with my equally immobile accomplices. All of us are watching the strange scenery unfold in front.

“You haven't even apologized to me yet!”  
  
“Get out and in the damn car, Tony!”

“Like hell I will!”

“ _I said: Move it.”_

“Shove it, B – I'm fucking pissed!”

“You can be whatever In. The. Damn. Car.”

If I were Stark, I would have been scared shitless. That Man-Bat dude is practically snarling at him.  
  
“Oh yeah?”

“ _Yeah.”_

“What if I don't wanna? Why does it always have to be _you_ who makes the rules? Why don't I...”

“If you don't get up and use your legs, I'm going to carry you.”

“You wouldn't _dare.”_

“Damn straight I would!”

 

“Gentlemen...”

My weak voice takes a few tries to get through their argument. At the third try, the Batman slowly turns dark, masked slits into my direction. Uh-oh. I swallow around the bruise on the inside of my mouth; the one from where I bit my cheek when he had hit me hard enough to see stars.

“Can't you just... leave?”

I am not entirely sure, but I think I hear my two companions sob and whimper out in timid agreement. From where he still sits on the rickety chair we had tied him to, Stark crosses his arms over his chest. Defiance is written all over his miffed countenance.  
  
“Oh, that's just great, really. Can this get any more pathetic?”

My headache worsens as he unleashes his foul temper on me, making me wish for someone to call the cops. At this point, I would have even done so myself, if only I could. Fortunately, the dark knight dude then intervenes again by simply hoisting Stark up and throwing him over his shoulder.

“FUCK, NO! Put me down, B, I'm warning ya!”

Ignoring the viciously kicking legs of his bitching charge, the huge creature turns and makes a beeline for the door. From where he is hanging over the Bat's shoulder like a sack of potatoes, Stark glowers daggers at us. “Go look up kidnapping in the dictionary until I see you in court, assholes!”

The heated argument between the two men continues to echo along on the corridor, long after they have left the room. As soon as we are alone, sirens start to wail in the distance. I close my eyes as a sigh of relief escapes my bloodied lips.  
  
Peace at last.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this prompt found on Tumblr: 
> 
> "Established Relationship AU where Person A gets kidnapped as a message to Person B, but they were in the middle of a fight, and A is so stubborn when B comes to rescue them that they refuse to leave. [...]"


End file.
